paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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