dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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