I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
