we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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