I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
