Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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