I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
