My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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