so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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