i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
