I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
