Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
