Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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