my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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