I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
