I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
love makes seman taste better
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Vodka?
Forever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
