I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
