it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
