fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
