I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
