I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
