Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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