I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
