You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
