just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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