i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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