i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
