My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
