K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
