is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
