tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
