EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
