Sry I called you an 8
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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