That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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