I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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