he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
