Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
