every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize