NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
