i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
