when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
