I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
