that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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