I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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