Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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