Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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