masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
