i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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