you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
