Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize