ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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