he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
