Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
