Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
