things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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