i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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