So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
