God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
