Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
