wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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