He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
