just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
