The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
